im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
