don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
