after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
