I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
