I want to make a zoo with you.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What drink are we having for lunch?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
