I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
