Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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