As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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