Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
