We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
