i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
