what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just had sex on a roof
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
