I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
