I wish I could teleport
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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