In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
