How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
