the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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