Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
