our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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