she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
