now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
