You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
