she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
They took my balls.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
