Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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