i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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