i just google imaged poop.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
