piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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