woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Girls should come with a carfax report
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
