Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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