Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
