I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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