You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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