I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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