My hand turned me down
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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