They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
