Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
