I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
