the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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