dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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