We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize