I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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