I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
