You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
