Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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