She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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