alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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