Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
