I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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