that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
