this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
