dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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