So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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