I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Semen is not good for contacts.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I need water and some morals
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
