I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think people are normalizing furries
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
