i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
