I cannot find my penis.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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